Jobs
exclusive

Former dominatrix reveals tips for dominating your job — and getting a raise

Want a raise? Whip your asking skills into shape.

Kasia Urbaniak, a 45-year-old author and former dominatrix, shared her advice on how women can ask for what they want whether it be a raise or promotion — and get it.

“In the workplace, women won’t ask for the resources they need to do the job well. They’ll make due,” Urbaniak, a New Yorker who spends much of her time traveling the world, told The Post. “I see women do this all the time. They don’t get enough sleep. They don’t ask for what they need.”

Urbaniak said this creates a “situation where a woman thinks she’s shining in the workplace if she makes due with little.” This is valuable to companies, she explained, “but it’s not going to be rewarded because that’s not the kind of culture we live in.”

Kasia Urbaniak started a school called The Academy dedicated to teaching women the ways of power and influence. Kasia Urbaniak/Instagram

‘Good girl conditioning’ holds women back

More women are in the workforce than ever before, but the gender pay gap has stayed roughly the same for the past 20 years, according to the Pew Research Center. Women still only earn 82 cents for every dollar a man makes and women are still doing over 75% of the unpaid labor at home, according to Forbes.

However, Urbaniak said that what she calls “good girl conditioning” — or “being easy, being amenable, being low maintenance” — is a survival tactic that comes from women’s history of needing to be marriageable. Laws change, but women still pick up behaviors socially from other females around them.

She said many women are afraid of asking for what they need because they fear it will make them appear “demanding” or “a diva.”

“There’s a prohibition against desire. You can’t be selfish. You can’t want things,” she said. 

Urbaniak, who is now a headmistress and CEO of a school for women’s empowerment called The Academy, explained most men on the other hand “get the training of a man” in their social conditioning, and don’t feel the same pressure to do a job with minimal resources.

And that’s where domming comes in.

The dominant state of attention

A big part of powerfully asking for something is honing in on where your attention and focus are going, explained Urbaniak.

“Power is expressed by where your attention is,” she said. This is something she learned as a dom and while practicing Taoist alchemy at one of the oldest female-led monasteries in China.

What makes someone dominant versus submissive in a situation is all about whether their focus is outwards — the dominant state of attention — or whether their attention is turned inwards, which is the submissive state of attention. Urbaniak noticed women tend to hold a submissive state of attention which can hurt them in a raise negotiation or interview. This inward state of attention can make someone appear “ineffectual.”

Employees who want to express power should focus outwards, not just on the person in front of them in the negotiation, but on the business as a whole.

Kasia Urbaniak practiced Taoist alchemy at one of the oldest female-led monasteries in China. She originally became a dominatrix to pay for her Taoist studies. Kasia Urbaniak/Instagram

A powerful raise negotiation is growth and future-focused

One of the greatest things that, someone can do inside the actual interview is to talk less about, like, ‘I’ve been here for like five years and I’ve done this, and I got this value…other people are getting 5% more’” she explained. She called this submissive style of communication “the most childish unconvincing argument.”

Instead, you want to make the company feel as though “they’re getting something for this extra price.”

“Demonstrate to them with questions or comments, that you’re thinking about the whole company or the whole team in a future-focused way,” she explained. This could look like asking the boss ‘What do you need? What are the next steps’ or saying, ‘This is what I’ve noticed. This is what we could use.'”

Urbaniak advised people to do this during and in the time leading up to the salary discussion since this “puts you in a dominant position over the enterprise.”

After showing your boss that you’re paying attention to the company with your questions and comments, “then you can say I’d like a raise. I’d like to continue growing…I’d like to see all these things that I told you I noticed, I want to continue investing as I’ve been investing in this place,” she said.

She clarified that it’s not a barter where you tell them, “I see that this could be done, and I could if I could get 5% or 10% or 20% or 100% more.”

Kasia Urbaniak said her time working as a dominatrix and practicing Taoism made her an expert on the art of attention. Patrick McMullan via Getty Images

Roleplay with a friend

Urbaniak said most people, including the boss you’re asking for a raise from, have some kind of “money wound.” Money tends to make people uncomfortable, and people feel awkward asking for it. Not fully owning your desire is one of the biggest mistakes you can make.

“If you’re feeling like you hate it that you have to ask, they’ll feel like they hate it that they have to answer,” she said.

“You want to make this as wonderful an experience for everybody as possible. You want them to feel like they have the freedom to say no, knowing they might lose you,” she explained.

Roleplaying with a friend can help you settle your nervous system around wanting the raise, hearing a yes and hearing a no. She suggested people practice asking for three times the amount of the raise they desire, and once they feel comfortable asking for the bigger amount, to practice again with the smaller one.

Kasia Urbaniak said a conversation solely about money is limiting. Knowing what you want from your job as a whole can make you feel more grounded and be beneficial to both you and the company. Kasia Urbaniak/Instagram

“There’s no substitute for practicing saying it out loud to another human being,” she said. “If you can get over the cringe of asking a friend to listen to you, and hearing the first few tries where you’re sinking in social quicksand and sounding insecure…these are important milestones in a career.”

“If you practice for this, if you invest in this, if you clear out all of your weird mixed signals around this… you go in there, you feel good, you give them your best. You’re going to care far less whether they say yes or no. It’s going to be more of them revealing themselves. How available are they to receive how great you are?” she said.

Make a list of everything you want from your job (not just money)

“Money is shorthand for something but being clear on what it’s shorthand for is really important,” Urbaniak explained.

Urbaniak suggested making a list of what you hope to get out of your job in addition to money.

“Why you’re there, what you want to get out of this experience, what’s missing for you?” she said. This isn’t something you necessarily need to share in the meeting but it’ll leave you feeling more grounded.

“A lot of these high-pressure conversations can end up being dishonest because the people coming to the table aren’t standing in the full truth of the situation,” she explained.

Knowing what you want could open the door for growth.

“The conversation could go lots of places and you might end up getting something better than a raise if you already know what it is that you want. You know, like you get mentorship opportunities or like extra training or more work from home or less depending on travel opportunities,” she said.

Show up like a rockstar

“Do this well and you show up like a rock star. Whether they give you a raise or not, they’re going to be in a position to give you a lot more. If you do this correctly,” she said of showing up powerfully in the meeting.

And if you feel like a rockstar, you’ll also know when your high value is better utilized elsewhere.

“You’ll also see that maybe they don’t give a damn. It’s time for you to look for another job point blank,” she added.

universo-virtual.com
buytrendz.net
thisforall.net
benchpressgains.com
qthzb.com
mindhunter9.com
dwjqp1.com
secure-signup.net
ahaayy.com
soxtry.com
tressesindia.com
puresybian.com
krpano-chs.com
cre8workshop.com
hdkino.org
peixun021.com
qz786.com
utahperformingartscenter.org
maw-pr.com
zaaksen.com
ypxsptbfd7.com
worldqrmconference.com
shangyuwh.com
eejssdfsdfdfjsd.com
playminecraftfreeonline.com
trekvietnamtour.com
your-business-articles.com
essaywritingservice10.com
hindusamaaj.com
joggingvideo.com
wandercoups.com
onlinenewsofindia.com
worldgraphic-team.com
bnsrz.com
wormblaster.net
tongchengchuyange0004.com
internetknowing.com
breachurch.com
peachesnginburlesque.com
dataarchitectoo.com
clientfunnelformula.com
30pps.com
cherylroll.com
ks2252.com
webmanicura.com
osostore.com
softsmob.com
sofietsshotel.com
facetorch.com
nylawyerreview.com
apapromotions.com
shareparelli.com
goeaglepointe.com
thegreenmanpubphuket.com
karotorossian.com
publicsensor.com
taiwandefence.com
epcsur.com
odskc.com
inzziln.info
leaiiln.info
cq-oa.com
dqtianshun.com
southstills.com
tvtv98.com
thewellington-hotel.com
bccaipiao.com
colectoresindustrialesgs.com
shenanddcg.com
capriartfilmfestival.com
replicabreitlingsale.com
thaiamarinnewtoncorner.com
gkmcww.com
mbnkbj.com
andrewbrennandesign.com
cod54.com
luobinzhang.com
bartoysdirect.com
taquerialoscompadresdc.com
aaoodln.info
amcckln.info
drvrnln.info
dwabmln.info
fcsjoln.info
hlonxln.info
kcmeiln.info
kplrrln.info
fatcatoons.com
91guoys.com
signupforfreehosting.com
faithfirst.net
zjyc28.com
tongchengjinyeyouyue0004.com
nhuan6.com
oldgardensflowers.com
lightupthefloor.com
bahamamamas-stjohns.com
ly2818.com
905onthebay.com
fonemenu.com
notanothermovie.com
ukrainehighclassescort.com
meincmagazine.com
av-5858.com
yallerdawg.com
donkeythemovie.com
corporatehospitalitygroup.com
boboyy88.com
miteinander-lernen.com
dannayconsulting.com
officialtomsshoesoutletstore.com
forsale-amoxil-amoxicillin.net
generictadalafil-canada.net
guitarlessonseastlondon.com
lesliesrestaurants.com
mattyno9.com
nri-homeloans.com
rtgvisas-qatar.com
salbutamolventolinonline.net
sportsinjuries.info
topsedu.xyz
xmxm7.com
x332.xyz
sportstrainingblog.com
autopartspares.com
readguy.net
soniasegreto.com
bobbygdavis.com
wedsna.com
rgkntk.com
bkkmarketplace.com
zxqcwx.com
breakupprogram.com
boxcardc.com
unblockyoutubeindonesia.com
fabulousbookmark.com
beat-the.com
guatemala-sailfishing-vacations-charters.com
magie-marketing.com
kingstonliteracy.com
guitaraffinity.com
eurelookinggoodapparel.com
howtolosecheekfat.net
marioncma.org
oliviadavismusic.com
shantelcampbellrealestate.com
shopleborn13.com
topindiafree.com
v-visitors.net
qazwsxedcokmijn.com
parabis.net
terriesandelin.com
luxuryhomme.com
studyexpanse.com
ronoom.com
djjky.com
053hh.com
originbluei.com
baucishotel.com
33kkn.com
intrinsiqresearch.com
mariaescort-kiev.com
mymaguk.com
sponsored4u.com
crimsonclass.com
bataillenavale.com
searchtile.com
ze-stribrnych-struh.com
zenithalhype.com
modalpkv.com
bouisset-lafforgue.com
useupload.com
37r.net
autoankauf-muenster.com
bantinbongda.net
bilgius.com
brabustermagazine.com
indigrow.org
miicrosofts.net
mysmiletravel.com
selinasims.com
spellcubesapp.com
usa-faction.com
snn01.com
hope-kelley.com
bancodeprofissionais.com
zjccp99.com
liturgycreator.com
weedsmj.com
majorelenco.com
colcollect.com
androidnews-jp.com
hypoallergenicdogsnames.com
dailyupdatez.com
foodphotographyreviews.com
cricutcom-setup.com
chprowebdesign.com
katyrealty-kanepa.com
tasramar.com
bilgipinari.org
four-am.com
indiarepublicday.com
inquick-enbooks.com
iracmpi.com
kakaschoenen.com
lsm99flash.com
nana1255.com
ngen-niagara.com
technwzs.com
virtualonlinecasino1345.com
wallpapertop.net
nova-click.com
abeautifulcrazylife.com
diggmobile.com
denochemexicana.com
eventhalfkg.com
medcon-taiwan.com
life-himawari.com
myriamshomes.com
nightmarevue.com
allstarsru.com
bestofthebuckeyestate.com
bestofthefirststate.com
bestwireless7.com
declarationintermittent.com
findhereall.com
jingyou888.com
lsm99deal.com
lsm99galaxy.com
moozatech.com
nuagh.com
patliyo.com
philomenamagikz.net
rckouba.net
saturnunipessoallda.com
tallahasseefrolics.com
thematurehardcore.net
totalenvironment-inthatquietearth.com
velislavakaymakanova.com
vermontenergetic.com
sizam-design.com
kakakpintar.com
begorgeouslady.com
1800birks4u.com
2wheelstogo.com
6strip4you.com
bigdata-world.net
emailandco.net
gacapal.com
jharpost.com
krishnaastro.com
lsm99credit.com
mascalzonicampani.com
sitemapxml.org
thecityslums.net
topagh.com
flairnetwebdesign.com
bangkaeair.com
beneventocoupon.com
noternet.org
oqtive.com
smilebrightrx.com
decollage-etiquette.com
1millionbestdownloads.com
7658.info
bidbass.com
devlopworldtech.com
digitalmarketingrajkot.com
fluginfo.net
naqlafshk.com
passion-decouverte.com
playsirius.com
spacceleratorintl.com
stikyballs.com
top10way.com
yokidsyogurt.com
zszyhl.com
16firthcrescent.com
abogadolaboralistamd.com
apk2wap.com
aromacremeria.com
banparacard.com
bosmanraws.com
businessproviderblog.com
caltonosa.com
calvaryrevivalchurch.org
chastenedsoulwithabrokenheart.com
cheminotsgardcevennes.com
cooksspot.com
cqxzpt.com
deesywig.com
deltacartoonmaps.com
despixelsetdeshommes.com
duocoracaobrasileiro.com
fareshopbd.com
goodpainspills.com
kobisitecdn.com
makaigoods.com
mgs1454.com
piccadillyresidences.com
radiolaondafresca.com
rubendorf.com
searchengineimprov.com
sellmyhrvahome.com
shugahouseessentials.com
sonihullquad.com
subtractkilos.com
valeriekelmansky.com
vipasdigitalmarketing.com
voolivrerj.com
zeelonggroup.com
1015southrockhill.com
10x10b.com
111-online-casinos.com
191cb.com
3665arpentunitd.com
aitesonics.com
bag-shokunin.com
brightotech.com
communication-digitale-services.com
covoakland.org
dariaprimapack.com
freefortniteaccountss.com
gatebizglobal.com
global1entertainmentnews.com
greatytene.com
hiroshiwakita.com
iktodaypk.com
jahatsakong.com
meadowbrookgolfgroup.com
newsbharati.net
platinumstudiosdesign.com
slotxogamesplay.com
strikestaruk.com
trucosdefortnite.com
ufabetrune.com
weddedtowhitmore.com
12940brycecanyonunitb.com
1311dietrichoaks.com
2monarchtraceunit303.com
601legendhill.com
850elaine.com
adieusolasomade.com
andora-ke.com
bestslotxogames.com
cannagomcallen.com
endlesslyhot.com
iestpjva.com
ouqprint.com
pwmaplefest.com
qtylmr.com
rb88betting.com
buscadogues.com
1007macfm.com
born-wild.com
growthinvests.com
promocode-casino.com
proyectogalgoargentina.com
wbthompson-art.com
whitemountainwheels.com
7thavehvl.com
developmethis.com
funkydogbowties.com
travelodgegrandjunction.com
gao-town.com
globalmarketsuite.com
blogshippo.com
hdbka.com
proboards67.com
outletonline-michaelkors.com
kalkis-research.com
thuthuatit.net
buckcash.com
hollistercanada.com
docterror.com
asadart.com
vmayke.org
erwincomputers.com
dirimart.org
okkii.com
loteriasdecehegin.com
mountanalog.com
healingtaobritain.com
ttxmonitor.com
bamthemes.com
nwordpress.com
11bolabonanza.com
avgo.top